Beeeej (beeeej) wrote in poly_ny,

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An Honest Inquiry from a Single (X-posted)

Bear with me, please, as I explain a little of the background here...

I am a single male in NYC, in my mid-30s. I have, for most of my life, been involved in monogamous relationships and monogamous dating situations. I was, for several months, what you might have very charitably called a "secondary" about ten years ago, but since Poly is usually based on honesty and openness, and this relationship ultimately turned out to be anything but, I don't really think it "counts."

I have several friends who are Poly, though in all cases there is one primary couple that is legally married. So I'm somewhat familiar with the lifestyle and its principles. I'm not absolutely sure that it's a lifestyle I could live myself, but I have great respect for the truths that it recognizes and addresses which monogamy ignores.

My experience with these friends troubles me a little sometimes, though.

On the one hand, I have a good guy friend who is legally married and also has four "girlfriends." While I'm happy for him, I also have to admit that it annoys me that someone who's married already is nevertheless also "drawing away" other women from the available pool for those of us who are still single. I recognize that this isn't necessarily a rational response (especially since he's a thousand miles away), but a desire to settle down can do funny things to you. :-{)} In any event, there is little question that he has a far easier time meeting available women because he's already in a Poly marriage - which strikes me as ironic at best.

On the other, I have a good woman friend who is legally married and basically "plays" a lot; but her husband's rule is that she can play with any women, but she can only play with men who are also in long-term relationships. This makes a certain amount of sense, if you want to avoid the potential for difficult entanglements. And since I'm not exactly desperate, I'm reasonably comfortable with her teasing me that she'd like to sleep with me but can't until I'm in a serious relationship with a woman who doesn't insist on monogamy.

But there's where I start to ask the questions that I'm going to try to ask here.

This friend would like nothing more than for me to meet a beautiful, bisexual Jewish woman, fall in love, get married, and have the four of us "play" in various combinations happily ever after. While I also think that would be very nice, I'm also realistic, and I understand that it's not something you can exactly plan for. (Besides, she's five thousand miles away.)

What I suppose I'm asking is this: It seems to me that most people who are Poly ended up that way because they just happened to meet and fall in love with someone who was already Poly or was predisposed to it. But with the disrespect (or at least lower deference) generally accorded to single men interested in the lifestyle*, if one does want to live that life, how is one supposed to meet such a woman except completely by accident?

I've tried to craft this post as openly and non-whiningly as possible so as to get open, honest responses. I look forward to whatever discussion it might spark. Thanks for letting me ask!

* If I am overstating the "single men" thing, I beg your indulgence, but honestly - what kind of reaction do you really think I'd get showing up to tomorrow night's Polyamory Meetup as a single man?
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